Friday, September 08, 2006

Reverse Evolution

Have you heard it said that evolution is a directionless process? Merely a change in allele frequency? The People's Cube excels at parody. This time it is known as the Case Of Backward Evolution: New Hope For Democrats. From the site:

Scientists: If your mouth is already on the floor, you have an evolutionary advantage over those who need to bend over Progressive researchers and politicians alike are encouraged by last month's discovery of a genetic mutation that reverses human evolution to its starting point. Those affected by the Backward Evolution Syndrome (BES) walk on all fours and speak a primitive language. The mutation that has afflicted a family in Turkey has stripped them of the genes that let humans walk upright, returning them to the pre-human state of quadrupedalism, or four-limbed walking. Many scientists hope that BES will reveal the secrets of human origins. But researchers at the Karl Marx Treatment Center see it as an exciting opportunity to correct human evolution, which has gone terribly wrong.

"Humankind has made a wrong turn somewhere in its development," says the Center's Chief Scientist Dr. Fuku. "It has evolved individualism, greed, competition, and private property. Ever wondered why socialism never worked anywhere it's been tried? Bad genes."

Quadrupedals are welcome in New Orleans
Scientists: "Occasionally, reverse evolution may require a little human help."

$$ Halliburton: "We've seen this syndrome before in welfare recipients."

"Wrongly evolved humanity breeds monsters like capitalism, global warming, and George Bush. But a pre-human DNA will enable us to start an alternative evolution from scratch, breeding a politically correct human race that's fit to live in a socialist utopia. We will succeed where Stalin's scientists failed," Dr. Fuku added.

"This is what the idyllic Golden Age looked like," says known environmental scientist Al Gore. "Imagine Earth populated by quadrupedal people incapable of drilling for oil, driving cars, or cultivating fields. We must immediately spend millions of taxpayers' dollars on genetic research to replicate the syndrome on a broader scale. Anything less will be a crime against nature."

Some members of the academia, however, argue that "reverse evolution" is not a glitch in the DNA but a product of successful adaptation to a progressive world that increasingly leans towards socialism. Natural selection prefers people who can do things like menial agricultural labor, scrounging for food scraps, etc. If your mouth is already on the floor, you'll have an evolutionary advantage over those who need to bend over.


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